You're still arguing about who loads the dishwasher the right way. Sharing your home with someone else is bound to lead to differences and frustrations. But if you're bitching about the same thing repeatedly you know, about how he can't (for the life of him!) turn the cookie sheet the right way in the damn dishwasher you might need to find a better way to express yourself. "Often when a couple has an argument that never gets resolved, they aren't talking to each other in the right way," says Walfish. "They're screaming, yelling and attacking, and then going silent because they don't feel heard." By going to a therapist, Walfish says you can finally figure out how to illustrate your feelings in a way that your partner can understand so instead of screaming and slamming the baking sheet into the "correct" position, which can make him shut down, you'll learn that saying something like, "Sweetie, you may not think it's a big deal, but loading the cookie sheet this way isn't getting it fully clean, and that bugs me." Then you can talk about why it could mean you're concerned about the water bill going up so you can run the dishwasher twice, and that's not exactly cost effective. Either way, "a therapist can take the couple through the conflict in slow motion and not allow them to sweep issues under the rug," says Walfish. "Hashing through the details, however long that takes, is the only way to put the problem behind you."
You would rather watch Scandal than have sex. When those steamy sex scenes between Fitz and Olivia pop up (or Olivia and Jake—we're equal opportunity lovers for this show), admit it: You're turned on. But when your man makes a move, it's dryer than the Sahara desert downstairs. That's a problem. Or maybe it's not quite so intense—perhaps there's a rare moment in between PTA meetings and filing your taxes when you do get hot and heavy…but you're not quite as into it as you used to be. Regardless of which it is, it's time to figure out why you aren't connecting romantically." If there's been a long term decline in physical affection and sex, there is usually a root cause to the pattern, and sorry, it's rare that you're just tired all the time," says sex and marriage therapist Dr. Kat Van Kirk. It can be helpful to have someone who isn't in your bedroom help you understand what's actually going on (or, um, not going on) between the sheets. When the two of you have a difficult time connecting in a way that was once an easy and essential part of your relationship, there are other underlying issues happening. So if you're self conscious about your post baby bod, it could mean that there's an emotional need that isn't being met within the relationship. Or if he's stopped his muscle sculpting morning runs that sent you into a sex crazed frenzy, perhaps he doesn't feel wanted by you in the first place, creating a viscous, intimacy deprived cycle. Whatever it is, a therapist can help you figure out how to get that va va voom back into your love life. "Some people have a hard time talking about sex and may need the help to bring up topics like erectile dysfunction or negative body image," says Megan Bearce, relationship expert and author of Super Commuting Couples. "A therapist will help you speak and connect the dots to your intimacy issues." Because unless you figure out a way to understand and express what you need, you'll never bring sexy back.
You're nicer to your work frenemy than you are to your partner. If it's easier to have small talk with the girl who's always stealing your business ideas than it is with the man you share a life with, you may need to figure out why you're icing your partner out. Sex therapist Vanessa Marin says that when you notice yourself retreating into personal affairs instead of making an effort to share experiences with your husband, you're ignoring bigger issues. You may not even realize you're doing it, so consider this situation: Your day started with a manic drive to your kid's school, where for the 100th time, you forgot to send in the form that's due. Then at work, you never felt like you had enough coffee or that you were nailing it with clients like you used to. Even worse, it was your husband's turn to pick up the kids, but he's stuck in a meeting so you have to leave early to get them. And, well, grocery shopping was a nice thought, but you gave in to take out again. You're not only worried about the nutritional value, but about your job, your aging skin, your… everything. Once your husband's home, do you talk to him about this stress and work together to figure out how to lessen your load? Or do you give him a side eye, take a shower, and get into bed to read a book or surf Pinterest? If you often choose the latter, you're making an effort to not connect, whether it's conscious or not. Marin says this can likely lead to your attention being directed to something or someone else. Instead of dealing with what's really making you upset feeling overwhelmed, unhappy with your day to day and fighting an urge to make a big change you're keeping it inside and letting the pattern continue, which could make you think you'll feel comforted by another man's attention. If you find yourself being swayed, Bearce says to dial your therapist so you can drill down to the real issue so you'll stop—unintentionally or not—inflicting more damage, and save a lot of heartache for everyone involved.
You hang out in separate rooms at home. When you share a house, co-existing in every room can grind your gears. So yeah, it's totally fine to need some alone time. But if you've actively started avoiding being in the same room with him during downtime like after dinner when the kids have been tucked into bed, you beeline for the bedroom as he settles in front of the TV ask yourself why. While doing your own thing can seem normal at first, not having relaxation time together prevents you from connecting in a way that keeps marriages together, says Bearce. "One or both partners can start to feel neglected, resentful or lonely." If this is you, couples therapy can be a time when, "if nothing else, you have a weekly appointment to be together, uninterrupted, to talk about tough stuff and re-evaluate the relationship and the goals each of you have for going forward. It's a way to get back on track." Once you are, it may not feel so tough to sit through a football game once a week (remember how much you watched when you dated?), and he'll swap in time to watch a few of your favorite shows.
You think everyone has a better husband and you aren't afraid to say it. If you married this man, that means you were madly in love at some point, right? (We hope so.) So putting him down in front of other people not only makes him feel bad after all, nobody forced you to put a ring on it—but it doesn't reflect kindly on you. "Complimenting other men and ignoring your husband is a form of passive-aggressive shame and criticism," says Bearce, and Dr. Kat says it can lead to a slippery slope of destruction. "Talking down or ignoring their needs is dangerous and can really make your partner's self esteem plummet," she says. So while you think you're just complimenting your BFF on her awesome partnership, there's more to be discussed in therapy safely. "When situations like this occur in public, it's usually because you haven't expressed anger or resentment that you have over something he did or didn't do," says Van Kirk. "Talking about it with therapists gives automatic ground rules for behavior, and helps everyone articulate how damaging those actions can be." Productive criticism is healthy for a marriage and can help make big changes, but a therapist can teach you how to appropriately communicate without being cruel.
